Saturday, 25 September 2010

Friday 24th September 2010

About 6 weeks ago (early in the schools' 6 weeks summer holidays) I found a lump, kind of on my chest, just under my collar bone, but not on my boob.

Since I found it in the school holidays, I decided to ignore it for a few weeks just to see if it’s a spot or a boil or a bite etc that was just about to erupt through the skin, and I made a mental note that if it was still there on my dad’s birthday, I'd decide to get it looked at… besides, I didn't want to see the doc about something like that when the boys were with me.
Hubby looked at it & felt it as well, and agreed that there was definitely something there, & it wasn’t just my imagination.

Well, my dad was 74 on Thursday 23rd September, so I called from work that day for a GP appointment.

They squeezed me in with the trainee GP this morning as the receptionist decided that it was urgent. I sent hubby a text to say that I was seeing someone the next day about the lump, and he replied “What lump?” – he’d forgotten all about it. I reminded him, he was in Wolverhampton. Expected home later that night. He texted a reply that he'd forgotten, he should have asked about it, and he was hoping to be home in time to look round DS2's prospective High School that evening (6pm Open Evening)


All yesterday evening and this morning before he went to work he didn’t mention it at all.

The Trainee GP saw me this morning at 10am…

She had a long list of questions, a poke & a prod, then a full breast exam, then more pokes & prods, "Lean forward" "with your arm up/down/relaxed" "Lie down" "with your arm up/down/relaxed" more questions, seemed especially interested that I had been on the pill for a total of about 15yrs on and off since I was 15, and then went to fetch the "proper" GP.

He had a poke & prod, more questions.

They discussed it further and then he asked her what she thought she should do... Ultrasound... he agreed. So they're sending me for more investigations, starting with Ultrasound. Have to wait & radiology will contact me.

I was in the doc’s about an hour.

They told me that they were trying to decide whether the lump was within my breast tissue or not. I knew that breast tissue extended in to the arm-pit as when they teach how to examine your breasts, they show you to feel in to the armpit, but no-one’s ever told me before that the breast tissue can actually go up all the way to the shoulder too. Anyway, they couldn’t decide so they’re having to treat it as though it’s a potential breast lump; referred it on a breast lump referral form etc.

I left the doc's office kinda numb. For the past 6 weeks it hadn't been real - since I wasn't doing anything about it, I had been able to pretend that it wasn't really happening.

Now though, its all very real, and all very scary.

I decided yesterday to be open & frank with my colleagues at work - if I needed time off to have things looked at, treated, removed etc, I didn't want gossipy chat about where I was, or speculation about what was wrong. But I didn't tell anyone (other than hubby) anything until yesterday, Dad's birthday, they didn't need to know until I was ready to do anything about it.

So there I was... alone in my car and not crying, honest. Someone walking past the car glared at me, and I decided not to sit there any longer in case someone I knew was next round the corner.

I wasn't ready to go in to work just yet. I needed to be able to talk about this without tears. I decided I'd try it out on my parents. After all, I might need someone to sort the boys out for me whenever the Ultrasound appointment is, and if I hadn't told them until then, they'd think that maybe I was only telling them because I needed their help - I popped round.

We chatted a while, then dad asked why I wasn't in work. I told them. He swore. I explained that I didn't want the boys to know - needless worrying and all that... and we changed the subject.

I popped home to get milk for my coffee and change out of my Nikes then drove in to work. Couldn't concentrate on anything at work - It was all too fresh. I picked up a Death Certificate (I record & process customer deaths for my employer) and they died from cancer... I left the office at the normal time.

No text from hubby all day asking how it went or whether everything’s OK or anything. And then nothing since we all got home from work either. Everything so far was just like every other Friday... collect youngest son (DS2 = Darling Son 2) from school at 3:15pm & come home. Hubby arrived home at about 3:40pm

Then I realised that it was 3:50pm - time that eldest son would be on his way home in the taxi - and after the problems he'd had the day before, when no taxi turned up to collect him, & he'd been abandoned outside college alone, in the rain for 2 hours, I decided to send him a text to ask if he was on his way.
He replied that he wasn't, not yet. I realised I was an hour early. In my tired/confused/emotional state I was mixing his finish times for Thursday(3:30pm) with Friday(4:30pm).
I sent another text... he replied... I sent another... he replied. Turns out that college had finished early - but no-one had called his taxi. He'd got confused and thought that they taxi would just "be there" - it seems that he'd forgotten to tell me yesterday that he was finishing early, but the autism meant that he was assuming the Borg/hive mentality, and because HE knew he was scheduled to finish early, he assumed everyone knew! (We're used to this concept now, we know he doesn't do it on purpose, but it still causes problems!)

Hubby rang the taxi company to ask if someone could get him - they couldn't - its Friday, Mosque Day - and all their drivers were in the Mosque - he explained that it was only (by now) 30mins earlier than they'd been planning to collect him, how come no-one was available to go just a bit sooner? I couldn't hear the reply - I was off out of the door going for him. I told hubby to text son, tell him that I'm on my way now, but if taxi arrives, get in it and send us a text to let us know and I'll turn round and come home again.

I went shooting over to college to collect him whilst hubby made tea.

20 minutes and 4 miles in rush hour later it was by now 4:25 and DS1 (Darling Son 1) was safe and in my car. We waited in the college car park so that we could tell his taxi that it wasn't required for this journey today, and waited, and waited - and at 4:40pm decided to sod 'em and came home.

Tea eaten - DS2 & hubby off to Cubs/Scouts (Hubby is a Leader) whilst DS1 came with me to Preston to collect some crockery for my mum - got home again at 8:30pm.

Nothing... DS1 in his room on his computer, DS2 in the dining room on his computer. Hubby dozing in his chair in the lounge. Me in my chair in the lounge... 10pm (its not a school night) DS2 goes to bed... I doze a while in chair (not slept well for a few days, and I'm always tired these days)

Midnight - hubby goes to bed. He's not asked how I went on at the Doc's. He's not mentioned the lump verbally since he felt at it all those weeks ago & only by text yesterday when he'd admitted he'd forgotten all about it.

"I won't cry" I tell myself, fighting the tears back and wiping them off my cheeks....
I put the Sky+ on and watch Coronation Street from earlier in the evening - feeling very alone.


  1. I am so very sorry. To be walking that path, whatever it turns out to be, alone...that's not right. (((hugs)))

  2. Thanks TeacherMommy - He's since asked about it, in a rather childish way, insisting that the lumps he has on his ribs are way worse than this lump. - He broke his ribs in his youth motorbiking!